Song Advice
by DrCyrusBortel
Summary: Song Day alt-fic. Marco tries to give Star and Ruberiot advice on what to put in her song. Compatible with the canon of Star vs the Forces of Evil.


This author does not own the Star vs. the Forces of Evil franchise. This story was written for personal amusement.

* * *

Star descended the stairs of the Diaz household. She stopped at the landing, and turned towards Marco, still glued to the television.

"Hey, Marco! I'm uhh… going to see how Ruberiot's doing, maybe knock some sense into the song he's writing, you know… so, uh… Do you want to come with?"

Marco, thinking back to the hours he had been forced to spend with the boisterous songstrel, looked askance at his friend. "Hmm… spend the evening watching wildebeest migrate across the savanna… or spend it with an annoying, lute-playing hack. Not difficult."

The video of wildebeest stampeding across the river cut out, and theme music heralded a Very Special Bulletin. "An impromptu three-hour debate is being held by city councilors regarding…"

Marco slammed his face into his lap. "Uhhh… Fine. Just let me grab my stuff."

* * *

Ruberiot, distraught over his continuing inability to compose a Princess Song faithful to the character of Mewni's next monarch, collapsed onto his piano.

"Oh… why did I drop out of lawstrel school? Goodbye aspirations, hello flipping corn-burgers."

Star raised her wand.

"Ruberiot, nothing is that bad when you have a magic wand. How about you and I turn this silly tradition into something real."

Marco looked quizzically at the duo.

"Star, you do realize your song is supposed to be propaganda, right?"

Star looked at him blankly.

"Star, you need popular support to keep the Butterfly Dynasty in power. You can get that by governing justly, but having lots of art that supports you – that's propaganda - can really help."

"What does this have to do with my song?"

"The point of your song is not to allow the peasantry to know the "real" you. It shouldn't. The point is to get the peasantry to love you, and be loyal to you. The song needs to be catchy, and it needs to make you sound awesome. Make it something the peasants can sing in a tavern. Once those illiterate, malnourished, developmentally-stunted peasants sing it enough times, they'll start to believe the words, no matter how ridiculous. So, unless you want an uprising on your hands… don't include anything negative or incendiary."

"You sound just like my mother."

"Star. You'll thank me later when you're fending off a claim by a power-hungry lord."

"Okay, okay, okay. We'll keep the traditional puff piece for an opener."

Ruberiot leaned forward. "Do you have any examples of Earth… 'propaganda'?"

Marco scratched his head. "Well, I do have this. The evil emperor in this one ended up dead, but the lying bastard who organized this was a genius with this sort of thing."

"Woah. Check out those uniforms! And the lights, and the torches! We've gotta do that sometime! Makes me want to get up and narwhal blast someone!"

" _Please_ stay away from the mass murder, warmongering and reigns of terror."

"I think I found my second stanza, Princess Star."

* * *

"Star, are you sure this is a good idea? The 'warrior princess' thing might sound very belligerent to the feudal lords and populace of Mewni… not to mention your neighbors."

"But Ruberiot's making it sound so cool! And that stanza's so totally me! Wait, what's 'belligerent'?"

"The piece makes it sound like you want to make war on your neighbors once you become queen. Your neighbors… aren't going to like that."

"That certainly sounds like fun! We'll totally beat 'em! Mass parade! Mass parade!"

Marco did a facepalm. "Star, your feudal lords – your power base – will have to pay for those wars in treasure. Your peasants will be dragged off to fight them, and will pay for them in blood, lives, and lost corn harvests. Ruberiot, you tell her."

"My family's rich enough to avoid the levy. Plus, every time we win, everyone gets fresh loot. And we will totally win, because our queen is magic!"

Ruberiot high-fived Star.

"See, Marco?"

Marco sighed. "If you want to fire up the peasantry for a war, sure. Keep the stanza."

Ruberiot thumped the piano. "Two stanzas! Do we want to go for three?"

Marco raised his arm. "Ooo! Ooo! Add in something like this!"

He cleared his throat.

 _"Cover latrines to keep flies away, wash your hands before your meals everyday._

 _Place your garbage and poop in a dump, far from your house and far from your pump._

 _Use wooden floors instead of straw, lots of windows and chimneys to remove the smoke pall._

 _For babies with flux, feeding should not halt. Give plenty of water with sugar and salt"._

"No. It doesn't rhyme, and the meter is awful."

"I don't really see the point of feeding a baby with diarrhea. It's going to lose all the food anyway. Plus, on Mewni, we don't use latrines. We chuck the stuff out onto the street."

Marco, his face flat, pulled out his scissors. "Okay. That's it. I'm outta here. Have fun writing the rest of your song, Star."

He cut a hole in space-time, and stepped through it

* * *

 _*The point of divergence is when a special bulletin interrupts the David Attenborough documentary marathon, causing Marco to visit Ruberiot with Star. The point of convergence is when he leaves before the incendiary third and fourth verses are composed._

 _**The public health recommendations above were mostly pulled from WHO guidelines. Covered, lined, latrines, basic environmental hygiene and oral rehydration therapy are cheap to implement, and save lives galore. So are vaccination programs, but Marco is not confident enough to play Edward Jenner (and does not possess the expertise to develop and deploy vaccines for Mewnian diseases)._

 _Hygiene in medieval Europe was quite awful. While Mewni contains many anachronisms (like hard hats and air conditioning in the Middle Ages), Diaz Family Vacation established that standards of living for the peasantry are medieval._

 _Marco Diaz and Star Butterfly are walking public health menaces, who may carry a variety of diseases rare in the developed world._

 _They should be vaccinated against diseases including bubonic plague, smallpox, rabies and tuberculosis. Marco Diaz should avoid consuming any food or wearing any clothes from Mewni unless he wants to risk dysentery, fleas, lice, etc._

 _Regardless of the location, life before the industrial revolution was generally awful. Sure, they may not have had different lives to compare themselves with, and may even have had more free time._

 _But losing most of your kids before the age of 5, having your wife die in childbirth, the pain of starvation, and the excruciating pain of disease probably caused much more misery and suffering than we see today._

 _Long live the Industrial Revolution!_


End file.
